Smile Models. It's a Fashion Show, Not a Funeral

I've been following the glitzy pomp and progress of New York's Fashion Week 2008. Through all the parading of high style clothing and accessories, all I can think about is why don't runway models smile?
Are they all uniformly tee'd off about something that we, the public are completely unaware of? Are they mad about having to wear outrageous clothing items that individually are worth more than my car? Perhaps it's because they haven't eaten in three years. It can't be that the job is too stressful. I mean these women get paid small fortunes to walk short distances in a climate controlled environment. What could they possibly have to be irritated about? Yet most of them present a face that ranges somewhere from slightly aloof to full throttle PMS.

After an exhausting five minutes of research with my friend Google, I found the answer. And it has nothing to do with what the models are thinking... or if they're thinking at all. According to highly educated scientists called runwaymodelologists, who've dedicated their lives to studying the habits and characteristics of this misunderstood species of homo-sapiens, models are TOLD not to smile. (A bit of trivia--Runwayus Modelis is the first human species to successfully walk upright in seven inch stilletos). Back in the stone age of modeling, when runways were made of dirt, the fashion bosses all agreed that if their models went strutting out onto the catwalks wearing toothpaste commercial grins, audience members would be too busy smiling back at them to notice the apparel that they were modeling. So smiling was officially denounced. Any model caught uttering the word "cheese" or exposing even one tooth would be suspended without pay and told to "wipe that smile off your face."

That really is the truth, even with all my expounding and exaggerations. Models aren't supposed to smile because smiling is considered a distraction from the true purpose of the fashion show....the clothing.

Ahh, now that we have that answer out of the way, we can get on to even bigger questions like why light bulbs are packaged in thin, flimsy, open ended cardboard, while solid, sturdy Fisher Price toys are entombed in layer upon layer of plastic, and tied into their boxes by more wires than are found in a Georgia Power substation.

But, that brings me to another question. If we're supposed to only be looking at their outfits, then why do models have to be gorgeous and skinny? Why can't any old gal be a runway model. Anyone with no teeth or who hasn't been to the dentist since the first Bush administration would be a perfect runway model because they probably don't smile a lot anyway.

At runway model tryouts, do the judges say, "alright, gorgeous, let me see that frown! Now scowl! How 'bout a glower! a sulk! a grimace...like when you have gas and are trying to keep it in." Work it, baby. Poke that bottom lip out! Wow, you look thoroughly pissed off. You're hired. When can you start?"